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Drake's Head's Gone

What is going on here? No seriously, who has been giving Drake choreographic advise on how he should and should not be moving his body parts in a music video. Is he on acid? Wait…am i on acid? I can’t believe what i just woke up to. What is my man thinking? When and why did he decide it would be a good idea to incorporate a retarded form of Panjabi dance into his on-cam swagger? I’m completely baffled as to why in parts he looks like a paralytic belly dancer dressed in a sleeping bag, builder boots and sh**-catchers, moving in slow motion to something other than his own track - yes he is completely out of time. Is this what record labels are looking for these days? An uninspiring showreel of how not to dance with the occasional big-booty girl statuesque in the background? Usually I’m not one to be so disparaging, attempting more often than not to focus on the good, but this performance is contemptible in even the most charitable of light. Nothing short of weird, the worst thing since Mario’s ‘You Should Let Me Love You’, actually, worse still.​

The more i think about it, the more i am certain he never watched the video back before signing it off - and perhaps i could forgive him if this is the case…or not. Is this all the product of a really bad joke, or was he actually trying to pull at our heart strings? There where a few instances where I had to look twice, the facial expressions are absurd, so desperately over-the-top that not even the most gullible of us would be convinced by his shoddy acting skills. Why did his advisors not suggest saving the melodramatics for Hollywood, what is he trying to do here, win a grammy? This ain’t an audition brother, you’re not Denzel, and Spike Lee ain’t interested (at least he’s not now). Was the occasional silhouette of a hottie meant to distract us from the more pertinent issues of embarrassing abnormalities that were occurring? Although it’s appreciated it didn't work, when something is that bad it doesn't go unnoticed. Sorry. At least for me there was some light at the end of the tunnel in the endless banter which proceeded the fiasco. I’m not sure who Director X is, but perhaps he should change the last character of his name to Director Y…as in why the f** did i just put myself through that.

Here’s the thing Drake, you’re not Chris Brown, you’re defiantly not Justin Timberlake, so just nod your freaking head and stick with the two step. Honestly your song was bad enough without the awkwardness of having to watch your extremities waving about like a decrepit insect holding on for dear life after just being partially stepped upon adding to the traumatic experience. Do yourself a favour, issue an official apology and never do anything remotely similar again; for your fans, for yourself and for the three minutes of confusion i suffered.

Sure, everything in this post has been tongue and cheek, and obviously i’m not even nearly as perturbed as i make out i am, but nonetheless the point remains, Drake’s new video is piece of excrement. So thank you Drizzy for your epic fail. The aftermath of parodies have been both deserving and hysterically funny to the point of tears; the starwars meme, the tennis meme!

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